I have two birthdays. My birth certificate says I was born on March 26, but after getting in touch with my bio dad a few years ago, it appears Catholic Charities changed it to make it more difficult for us to track each other down in the future. Little did they know in 1974 the Internet cometh. My actual, technical, real (?) birthday is March 24. So which do I celebrate? Duh, both of 'em. Today is the day in the middle, the 25th, the un-birthday.
One of my best friends, Jenn (even though she is but common folk with -- sniff -- one birthday), has not allowed herself to be shackled by one, fleeting day in April. She has broken free from her simpleton one-birthday roots and annually celebrates Jenneca, a week-long holiday of gifts and vodka and dancing and beer and music and wine and friends and ... more vodka. She recommends I do the same. She says anyone can be royalty and rise above the one-birthday caste system by taking their first name and adding an "eca" to the end of it.
"Screeeeeeew the one-birthday stigma," she says, throwing her arms in the air in her drama queen way. "Just start on the 20th and celebrate Jess...eca. Oh. Jessica-eca?"
Whatever. I'm sticking to the two birthdays. And the un-birthday.
Saturday, March 25, 2006
Sheesh, more parents
Yes, yes, we love you all ... now quit multiplying on us! Wanda & Dave, who have creatively combined their name into one -- Wandave -- are on the road Karouac-style, except, without the drugs. We think. There may be some mild abuse of cumadin, but we know they're not hooked on high blood pressure medication, I mean, look at 'em. Footloose and fancy free. As in, is that my mom on a motorcyle???? C'mon guys, if you get any cooler we're going to have to kick you out of the parents' club. Now go knit something before we start planning an intervention.
The senior Machetta...
...As in Keith's dad, not a shuffle-boarding old man. Jerry & Sue, Keith's step-mom, look like they had a great time in Hawaii. Gosh Jerry, don't know why you sent us photos of all the Kauai chickens though, we've got enough of our own island ferrell fowl down here! (I understand though, my dad insists on cock portraiture every time he visits, too.) Hey Sue, Jerry didn't pull that old "kamana wana lei ya" line, did he?
The better half
John & Pat, a.k.a. mom and dad, grandma and grandpa, all-around great people, and deliverers of mainland goodies we Keys folks can't buy locally, spent their Spring Break with us ... well, with the girls, mostly, but we're not offended ... really. And dang we love that homemade saurkraut!
Parents
Johnny Oidtman (Jessica's dad) is always behind the camera, so for fair representation I had to pull one from archives. This father-and-daughter shot is from 1980, taken by Keith Baumstark in the chicken house-cum-woodshop on the family farm in Linn, Mo.
Ha Ha little crabs, I pull your claws off!
Stone crabs are a renewable resource. We load our traps with stank fish carcasses, luring them in for the yummies, then tear off their claws (if big enough to be legal), boil them, crack 'em open and eat 'em. They grow new ones, so we can torture them year after year.
Pullin' traps
We've been having fun with our stone crab traps this year. Just to make it interesting, each buoy has one of our names on the bottom so we can see who nets the most claws. Keith pulls the 30 pound traps while Jessica drives the boat. She's getting better. Seems there's less cussing each time.
Seven things I love about me good friend Annie K
1. She's comfortable in her own skin.
2. She doesn't care if honesty is brutal.
3. Her art rocks my world.
4. She has a gap between her front teeth.
5. She has a knack for being aloof and very kind all at the same time.
6. She doesn't get mad when I call and interrupt her afternoon naps.
7. She came with me to the Route 66 festival when we barely knew each other and we pitched a tent in a huge field with a buncha rednecks and had a great time. Neither of us knew we would forge such a great friendship through the haze and craze of lots of great bands and recreational activities. Note to festival goers -- a hippie fest on the Arkansas border is not like Bonnaroo. See next list...
Seven things I learned from the Route 66 festival in Joplin, Mo.:
1. Lynard Skynard is the Greatful Dead of the South. Do not try to get close. Some chick with mall hair and a beak nose will try to gouge your eyes out.
2. When rednecks get drunk in a huge field, they all pile in the back of a pick-up and do donuts.
3. When one falls off and gets run over, a medivac chopper can land in the middle of thousands of tents and intoxicated music lovers.
4. The guy trimming his tree with a chainsaw doesn't give a crap when he saws off a huge limb and it lands on your car.
5. When some drunk rednecks decide to roll their car on its roof and take bats and tire irons to it, do not get involved ... just sit back and enjoy.
6. When the 17 bubba cops roll in to "control the scene" after No. 5 gets reported, again, do not get involved. Watching them scratch their heads and try to act like they know what to do is even funnier than the aforementioned scene.
7. It's the best place to see Jacob Dylan, John Popper and other non-redneck faves. You'll get front row seats while the other idiots are doing donuts in their pick-up trucks.
Banana Bay Sunset
Photo by CLAIRE JURGENSMEYER
The Banana Bay Tiki Bar in Marathon used to be a great place to watch the sun fall into the gulf during happy hour. Since Wilma, a developer has purchased the kid-friendly resort, restaurant and bar, so another spot for karoake Thursdays by the sea is now being turned into high-dollar waterfront property. Thanks for snapping a moment of it for us to hold onto, Claire.
The Flipside: this week's column
Construction is harshing my mellow
Looking on the sunny side can be dauntingAs I woke up this morning, fixed a cup of coffee and stepped out onto my porch, I realized something. Someone bought my skyline. My daily morning views of reds and oranges have been broken up by a brand new concrete-block three-story fortress. For those of us who find the simple pleasures of the Keys most attractive, even the sunrises aren't free anymore.Visitors to the Keys right now must marvel at how well we've picked up the pieces from Hurricane Wilma. The trees are greening up, the debris is gone and businesses, while their marquis may still be splintered, have their open signs in the window.The locals can see more detail in the tangible losses - the barren lot that used to be lush with nursery foliage, the RVs parked in driveways that aren't housing tourists...
But what about the intangibles that have been washed away by the storm surge? Many longtime locals rode that big wave right out of town, and others have clung to their flotsam and jetsam to eek out a living during winter season. How many of our favorite shops and restaurants have seemingly gone dark overnight, displacing our comfort of knowing where to get the perfect Cuban sandwich, the happy hour quarter drafts, the locals' discount on a used fishing pole...Tell me it hasn't happened to you. You stop by your little “secret” hole in the wall to order up a foot-long Cuban, no onions, extra pickles, and walk right into a new nail salon, fully staffed by people you've never seen before because they actually live in Florida City and rode a bus into the Keys to earn a higher minimum wage.It's depressing, I know. Not only has your “routine” been interrupted (we're not so different from small children after all) but you never got to wish the previous owners safe travels and good luck. No “glad to know ya,” or even just “thanks.” Their misfortune became someone else's golden ticket.
And yes, we all love to hate the big developers, and even if Sam Walton was an old Missouri boy who drove around his entire life in a beat-up truck, he still left us with all these Wal-Marts and a bigger-is-better philosophy.But, in all fairness, the Keys were spared for a long time. Ever been to Jamaica? Dozens of resorts (whose owners are not Jamaican) are filled with smiling servers pouring rumrunners for the tourists soaking up the luxury. When their day is done, they head back to their shacks, take off their floral-print uniforms, and cozy up with a bowl of beans and rice. Most every tropical paradise has been overrun with developers, and what some are calling “the death of the Keys” was sure to happen eventually.So while all this turnover and change is depressing, change is good, right? (Yes. Unless it directly involves me, you say.) On its face, it looks tragic, like our future's been forsaken for the almighty condo. Well, it has. Blame it on capitalism, baby boomers, Republicans, or Al Gore and his lock box, but it's all America, and to borrow from a saying in Trinidad, “sometimes what's sweet in the mouth can be sour in the bam-bam.”
So forget the blame game, welcome the new business owners as they, too, become locals, and admit that maybe you really need a manicure instead of a foot-long Cuban anyway. Wilma's wrath still remains in many tangible and intangible forms, but the winter season's begun its downward slide. Since we barely got the dead fish off our doorstep before the tourists and snowbirds began pouring in, I think we're all overdue for a big, fat breather.Begin your search for the next best place for happy hour quarter drafts. Never mind that the nursery where you used to buy potting soil and orchids is now a mini-Sahara. Go look for those lucky golden-ticket holders and see what they've got to offer.As for me, I'm still going to stand out on my porch in my robe to watch the sunrise, because even with a big concrete cube in the middle of it, it's still prettier than just about anywhere else in America. Then, as any proper lady would do, I'll wish a hex upon the new house's owner before I start my day.
Know what I'm going to do this weekend to kick-start my attitude adjustment? Go see that good ole boy from Mississippi Jimbo Mathus at the Green Parrot and dance my butt off. The best way to shake the blues is get some.
Jessica Machetta is the editor of L'Attitudes. She can be reached at jmachetta@keynoter.com.
--Here is the link for the Keynoter's online archives containing my previous columns and articles: http://www.keynoter.com/shared-content/search/index.php?search=go&o=0&q=machetta&d1=01-11-2005&d2=03-25-2006&s=relevance&r=Subject%2CAuthor%2CContent&l=20
Friday, March 24, 2006
Eat my dust, suckas
Claire is smart, funny, talented, pretty, and fast! She beat out her classmates a few weeks ago in trial runs to make the big run off and completed 18 laps in 20 minutes. (She ran 20 during the trials. Her explanation for losing two laps is that the coach made the laps bigger; I'm blaming the parachute she had to wear.)
Kick ass bluegrass
The Terry Cassidy Pickin' Party -- a little bluegrass festival on Big Pine Key -- was a great place to spread out on a blanket, drink some wine and watch the local color go by. Macy has bed-head, Mom has purple teeth and Keith just looks goofy. That's how you fit in with the Piners.
E-mail us!
Keith can be reached at machettak@hotmail.com
Jessica can be reached at jmachetta@hotmail.com (Use my business e-mail, jmachetta@keynoter.com, if you want me to see it immediately.)
Jessica can be reached at jmachetta@hotmail.com (Use my business e-mail, jmachetta@keynoter.com, if you want me to see it immediately.)
Good morning sunshine, the earth says hello
We've been in the Keys nearly two years now and have survived two record hurricane seasons, so we're finally feeling at home here. Now that we've got a boat and a generator, I guess we're ready for about anything.
I have settled into my associate editor position at the Keynoter nicely, and have managed to get two raises, so that's good. I'm the deputy editor for the regular newspaper, which comes out twice weekly, and editor for the arts and entertainment section, L'Attitudes, which comes out on Saturdays. I've also headed up a new radio and TV partnership with Clear Channel and Comcast, which has had its ups and downs, but will look good on my resume one day. My unofficial titles include: death editor, hurricane editor and guidance counselor. (Basically, every schizoid freak that comes into the office or calls gets handed over to me. Keeps life interesting. My favorite so far is the guy who wears the colander on his head to keep the aliens out.) The newspaper is online at www.keynoter.com and L'Attitudes is at www.keynoter.com/lattitudes.
Keith came through dive school with flying colors, his instructor said he did better on the physical tests than any other student he's trained, and he's trained hundreds. He went on to work for A Deep Blue Dive where he became one of the few spearfish guides in the Keys. (www.adeepbluedive.com).
But after being out of work during the aforementioned hurricane seasons, he decided to go back to school and stack a marine biology degree on top of that PADI Instructor title. He's ready to finish his first semester at Florida Keys Community College (www.fkcc.edu) and is making straight A's. He still certifies divers on the side and gives the occasional tour, but is otherwise working in the Keynoter's circulation department, which means he keeps Key Westers in supply of the Miami Herald seven days a week -- it's a night gig.
Claire is also an honor student; she's made straight A's at Stanley Switlik Elementary school in Marathon (www.monroe.k12.fl.us/switlik) for two years running now. (Stanley Switlik is the guy who manufactured parachutes and made millions supplying the government with them for World War II (www.switlik.com/about.html). Her school is only a hop and a skip from the Keynoter office, so she hangs out with me in the newsroom after school.
Today she had her "runoff" at school. Each year, each class runs laps for 20 minutes, and the top two boys and top two girls compete in a runoff for a free pair of running shoes. She's made the runoff two years now, but no free shoes yet.
Claire has her own mask, fins and snorkel and can swim in the ocean with the best of 'em, but generally she thinks going out on the boat is boring. Seems when your 8-years-old, doing anything with parents is boring.
Macy is also quite the saltwater queen, and at the age of 3 can already tell the difference between a grouper, hogfish, barracuda, nurse shark, snapper, etc. She's not a big swimmer yet, but she makes an excellent "bait monkey" on the boat, keeping the rest of us in good supply of fresh shrimp for our hooks.
Her favorite things right now are: copying her big sister to drive her insane, "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" and its predecessor, "Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory," going anywhere with dad and throwing tantrums if he leaves without her, Joe Smith -- her babysitter's pet rooster, dancing to Arlo Guthrie, speaking Spanish (like "Dora the Explorer") so the rest of us have no clue what she's saying, and gum, which ends up in some unseemly places both on and off her body.
We just finished another long week, well, three of us have -- Keith works seven days a week -- and Claire and Keith are looking forward to Spring Break next week. Keith and I are planning to take the boat out, if weather allows, and then go see Jimbo Mathus and Knockdown South (www.jamesmathus.com) at the Green Parrot (www.greenparrot.com).
I can't promise to write a whole whole lot on this site very often, after all, I write for a living 50 hours a week, but I will make an honest effort to update the photos often so you all can see what we've been up to and watch the girls as they grow up oh so fast.
I have settled into my associate editor position at the Keynoter nicely, and have managed to get two raises, so that's good. I'm the deputy editor for the regular newspaper, which comes out twice weekly, and editor for the arts and entertainment section, L'Attitudes, which comes out on Saturdays. I've also headed up a new radio and TV partnership with Clear Channel and Comcast, which has had its ups and downs, but will look good on my resume one day. My unofficial titles include: death editor, hurricane editor and guidance counselor. (Basically, every schizoid freak that comes into the office or calls gets handed over to me. Keeps life interesting. My favorite so far is the guy who wears the colander on his head to keep the aliens out.) The newspaper is online at www.keynoter.com and L'Attitudes is at www.keynoter.com/lattitudes.
Keith came through dive school with flying colors, his instructor said he did better on the physical tests than any other student he's trained, and he's trained hundreds. He went on to work for A Deep Blue Dive where he became one of the few spearfish guides in the Keys. (www.adeepbluedive.com).
But after being out of work during the aforementioned hurricane seasons, he decided to go back to school and stack a marine biology degree on top of that PADI Instructor title. He's ready to finish his first semester at Florida Keys Community College (www.fkcc.edu) and is making straight A's. He still certifies divers on the side and gives the occasional tour, but is otherwise working in the Keynoter's circulation department, which means he keeps Key Westers in supply of the Miami Herald seven days a week -- it's a night gig.
Claire is also an honor student; she's made straight A's at Stanley Switlik Elementary school in Marathon (www.monroe.k12.fl.us/switlik) for two years running now. (Stanley Switlik is the guy who manufactured parachutes and made millions supplying the government with them for World War II (www.switlik.com/about.html). Her school is only a hop and a skip from the Keynoter office, so she hangs out with me in the newsroom after school.
Today she had her "runoff" at school. Each year, each class runs laps for 20 minutes, and the top two boys and top two girls compete in a runoff for a free pair of running shoes. She's made the runoff two years now, but no free shoes yet.
Claire has her own mask, fins and snorkel and can swim in the ocean with the best of 'em, but generally she thinks going out on the boat is boring. Seems when your 8-years-old, doing anything with parents is boring.
Macy is also quite the saltwater queen, and at the age of 3 can already tell the difference between a grouper, hogfish, barracuda, nurse shark, snapper, etc. She's not a big swimmer yet, but she makes an excellent "bait monkey" on the boat, keeping the rest of us in good supply of fresh shrimp for our hooks.
Her favorite things right now are: copying her big sister to drive her insane, "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" and its predecessor, "Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory," going anywhere with dad and throwing tantrums if he leaves without her, Joe Smith -- her babysitter's pet rooster, dancing to Arlo Guthrie, speaking Spanish (like "Dora the Explorer") so the rest of us have no clue what she's saying, and gum, which ends up in some unseemly places both on and off her body.
We just finished another long week, well, three of us have -- Keith works seven days a week -- and Claire and Keith are looking forward to Spring Break next week. Keith and I are planning to take the boat out, if weather allows, and then go see Jimbo Mathus and Knockdown South (www.jamesmathus.com) at the Green Parrot (www.greenparrot.com).
I can't promise to write a whole whole lot on this site very often, after all, I write for a living 50 hours a week, but I will make an honest effort to update the photos often so you all can see what we've been up to and watch the girls as they grow up oh so fast.
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